27 June 2008

Love is exceptional

I am at a cross road.
What do I want, I ask myself.
I am lonely. I want companionship.
But I do not want to feel stuck. Or hopeless. Or desperate. Or be unhappy.
So I continue to push love away.
For fear.
For fear of getting hurt.
For fear of hurting someone else.
It has never been worth it to me to grasp onto a relationship long enough to make something out of it.
I have been in love.
But I let that go out of fear as well.
Pity to me. Is that how I plan to live life.

I am alive. I am determined. I am confidant. I am a powerful spirit. I am intelligent. I am outspoken. I am passionate. I know what I want.
In everything except love.
How did I turn love into an exception?
Love should not be an exception. There should always be an exception for love.

Love is exceptional.

11 June 2008

Acerbic Strength

Acerbic strength

We all have obstacles we must overcome. Mine is sugar. Sugar will try to kill me one day. It has already told me so.

Sugar talks to me. Sugar tells me all day long that it wants me. It says that it needs me. So much lust is involved that I start to hallucinate. And I am aware I am hallucinating because I know what the word crave feels like. I know how it feels to be lacking. To hanker for something you will decide in a nanosecond to surpass your judgment just to get insane relief. Aw relief. Even better. Sweet relief.

I see sugar standing there. It thought I was not noticing. So it started to shout. Then began to pout. I tried to be unaccessable. Why could sugar not do the same. It is the substance that makes my body tremble. Shall I close my eyes as I start to spasm inside of its hollow doorway. When I am in its arms it has complete power over me. Its the allergy I react to after I have already ingested it and wake up in the emergency room. Someone please oblige me in putting it into an unreachable realm!

My heart is affronted with the yearning for its fulfilling taste. The longing just to lick the smooth, gritty rainbow like substance once more. You too will want to bury your face in the navel of its syrupy goodness. But many hours go by as the sugars pour throughout my veins. Dancing and swirling inside of my body while my pancreas screams. Yelling at my kidneys to do something. Anything. It takes too long to come down after a sugar high. Would you give in to your own suicide. I do not desire to.

I claim innocence. I claim to not understand. But do I really? Do I continue to allow sugar to be my neighbor. I admit I have enabled it to hold my hand for 17 years. I ask you now if you understand. Do you understand how important it is for you to stand by me in my decision.

Will you please take this sugar down from its high shelf and occupy its attention long enough so I can kick it in the ass. Together we can create a defensive stategy. We can build a mechanism, a wall of blandness against this enemy of sweet treat threats.

Sugar I am not sorry I ruined your day. I hear your anguish. Stop shaking cute like. I am not taking you home. Pretending is only perpetuating a lie. It was once maybe all I ever knew. Sneaking in extra calories under the darkness of insufficiency and naivety. It does nothing for me now. There is no question on what I am sure of in my life. Move on over sugar you are being replaced.

I no longer lend my health to that which I wish not to be bound to. I am armed with acerbic strength. My cleverness out weighs my feeble hunger. My stamina can endure and over take this. I whisper to you, It is all in your head remember.

I give myself an autopsy of what I really need. I feel better already. Life is best without all those glittering granules anyways. These are not tears in my eyes. I know whats missing in my life. Its not dry skin and achy muscles, and toes that have no circulation. Blurry vision or numbness in the fingers. Fatigue, excessant thirst or nausea. It is sugar that aids these symptoms in happening. I know whats missing from my life. It is not sugar. Period.

Good bye feeling like crap. I have control.

Hello my name is Kate. I do not have diabetes. I live with diabetes.